I’m a gay man. I wrote these words very quickly, but it is not easy for a person like him. The difficulty arises while confessing one’s reality to the world. Shiva Kumar swam against the current all his life to realize this reality and then tell his world. Shiva began to get hints of his uniqueness at the age of 11.
People around him found his behavior too feminine for a boy. Everyone constantly ridicules Shiva for his ways. At a time, the western world had all the rights for same-sex attraction; things were difficult. As an Indian boy, Shiva had no idea what was happening to him or why he was different?
Discovering Sexuality
All the unanswered questions caused a lot of struggle within him. In 1997, when Shiva Kumar became aware of his attraction towards men, the brave boy confessed this to a few friends. Unfortunately, he became an object of ridicule each time. Although there was never any physical abuse, Shiva endured a lot of verbal abuse.
Mockery from the people around him for his gender expression and same-sex attraction pushed Shiva into isolation. Since then, Shiva Kumar has spent a significant part of his life without friends. Whenever Shiva confessed his sexual attraction, he got extreme reactions from people and felt dejected. In 2000, Shiva’s neighbor took him to a counselor, hoping to provide solace as time passed. It didn’t seem to work. On the contrary, the counselor’s words pierced Shiva’s heart and caused more pain.
On The Verge Of Devastation
All these incidents ate up Shiva’s confidence. Gradually, he was proceeding towards suicide. A point came in his life when Shiva Kumar was unable to perform well in academics. After being among the bright students, Shiva was shattered with this decline. Everything seemed to be crumbling. All this together compelled Shiva to attempt suicide, not once but four times. However, in his final year of engineering, Shiva Kumar gained the courage to push aside his problems and concentrate on his academics. Shiva’s determination did the magic for him, and he cleared all his exams.
When his friends were trying to find the love of their life, he was sure that he would never find love for this life. This devastation gave him a new realization. Shiva started questioning the need for marriage. He points out the shallow weddings that exist for the sake of society. This shallowness doesn’t discriminate between any gender and sexuality.
Shiva Kumar – Being One among Many
In 2005, around the time when the Internet penetrated Indian society, Shiva learned about himself closely. Sometimes Shiva would come across men who were ready to establish a sexual relationship but not get married. It convinced Shiva of the duality that exists in society. The next milestone to be reached was to find a job. Shiva decided to move out of his parent’s home to another city.
He wanted to avoid the question of marriage that usually followed a career establishment. Luckily, Shiva Kumar secured a job in Chennai, where he met more people like him. All of them were battling the taboo associated with sexuality, like Shiva. Being with the community for a while, Shiva got the courage to speak about his real identity to his close friends. When his friends came face-to-face with Shiva’s reality, they welcomed him with open arms.
Just because they chose to remain friends with him, knowing the truth, greatly comforted Shiva. He realized that his depression was not the result of his loneliness but the fear of acceptance. The next step was to convince his parents. In 2011, Shiva told them about his sexuality but did not expect them to accept him immediately. A four-year-long period finally made his parents accept Shiva for who he is.
Accepting and Uplifting LGBTIQA+ community
He started embracing his sexuality and wanted to remove the misconceptions associated with it. Shiva Kumar learned more about LGBTIQA+ communities. He started ‘Nestam’ along with his community friend to understand and accept these communities in mainstream society.
Since 2015, Nestam has been successfully conducting sessions in schools, colleges, and public places to reach the goal. Shiva Kumar wants to support all those going through dilemmas and rejection because of Gender, Sex, and Sexuality. He wants them to speak about it to others with confidence. Whenever he is successful, India will be a changed place. Then no one would need to be ashamed of being who they are.
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