I am Dr. Drake Ramoray (Name changed), a resident surgeon in my late 20s. Expressing my thoughts on social media and writing articles have always been my interest, but I never did so.
The post about Young Surgeon
After the death of a Bollywood Actor, I read an article shared on one of our surgical groups, posted by a senior surgeon. The article goes as follows:
“Just a thought…
Yes, we all say SSR was a victim of nepotism and banner politics in Bollywood. Yet, what are we doing in our medical field? We are making teams, group practices, being lobbyists, having closed circles within circles. That’s similar to nepotism, cronyism, or favoritism. Further, we are bad-mouthing, diverting, blocking, and doing all in our power to keep patients from going to “another camp.”
We are suppressing juniors and new talent in the name of “inexperience.” Look at the struggle young surgeons go through. Kids’ education, retired parents, EMIs, advanced training, equipment, instruments, consulting rooms, and what not! And we decide how much they should be paid as per our whims, not their value to the institutions.
You call them NPAs (Non-Performing Assets), thinking you are the MVAs (Most Valuable Assets). You have commoditized a doctor!
A confident surgeon gave you your first case. He knew he could take care of your complication and make the patient alright. A passionate teacher gave you your first incision. If not for them, you would’ve taken even longer. You came across a complex case, and you did it successfully once, maybe failed the second time but now have become a master in it.
Don’t be the boss you never wanted for yourself. Don’t be a colleague you would not want to have. Don’t be an insufferable fool who doesn’t know when to doubt and when to support.
We are already losing enough surgeon colleagues – senior and junior – to stress and overwork. Let us not lose any due to our cronyism.
Let’s not have any SSR in a medical fraternity…
Dr. XXXX, Pediatric Neurosurgeon”
I could relate to this message. After securing a decent rank, I joined a decent enough hospital for surgical training. It was after almost four years of struggle, synonymous with climbing a mountain. I was pleased but still holding on to my nerves to handle things further and become a good surgeon. My family (my parents and my sister) was pleased about my achievement. But little did they know that I was knocking on the entrance doors of hell.
I was aware that seniors and mentors are tough to handle, and usually, everyone has to pass through this phase from time immemorial. The first four months were nothing less than hell and continued till the end of 1st year. I felt like an outcast, untouchable, and so alienated. Even when the whole department of roughly 15 people was sitting together, I felt like I am alone with no one sitting around me. I was considered the most useless being that ever existed, was pushed to the extent that I should quit my residency, and I am not worth being a surgeon.
My dreams were falling apart. The painful thought of who would listen to me and understand me haunted me round the clock. I turned into being something that exists, works, eats, and sleeps. I questioned my existence and the work I was doing. I knew if I continued the same way, I would lose the battle or my life someday. I tried my best to keep up with things at work and show people that I am worth it. But to my vain, Everyone even hated me more than ever. Suicidal thoughts were preying upon me and taunting me. But back at home, I didn’t want me to be a reason for mental trauma for my family.
I want to quote a dialog from the movie “THE DARK KNIGHT RISES”:
John Blake: When you started, why the mask?
Bruce Wayne/Batman: To protect the people closest to me.
John Blake: Yeah, but you’re a loner. You didn’t have any family.
Bruce Wayne/Batman: There are always people you care about. You don’t realize how much until they’re gone.”
I knew trouble is just like a rippling wave. It doesn’t just affect you but also affects people around you. All I could do was put on a mask of smile and move on.
I don’t have the luxury of friends but a few from both medical and non-medical fraternities. We meet and share a lot of things. All they can do is listening to you and cheer you up, but one has to remember that everyone has their struggles. Ultimately, you have to stand up for yourself.
At last, I broke down in front of my parents. They didn’t see that coming. They were also confused about whether to let me continue my residence and see me rot. Many thoughts ran through their minds that I might do something wrong, yet they kept motivating me and didn’t let me lose hope. I did take professional help who did diagnose me with mixed anxiety depression.
At that moment, I realized I was worried about the external factors I have no control over. Every person goes through a lot of struggles that we don’t acknowledge. Probably we are so self-centered. I realized that me trying to be perfect and impress upon people who hate me will never work. People have predetermined notions and always judge you, belittle you.
I always had this habit of proving people wrong when they find fault with me and make them feel guilty about what they feel. Maybe EGO played a significant role. So, I realized that nothing in the world could stop me from being a surgeon except me. I wanted to prove all of them wrong. But do I need someone’s approval that I am worthy of something? Not really!
So, the phoenix in me had risen to an absolute raw version of myself, never bothered about what people thought but did what was needed to be done. I did achieve more than I expected. Indeed, the Knight had risen!
When I shared this article with my boss, the reply I got was:
“There may be very few similarities if you dissect – but I think the two professions are not comparable. Almost nepotism and favoritism, various difficulties related to a profession are in those same lines in most fields. With doctors, especially surgeons, the factors of success and popularity are somewhat different. Herewith surgery or for the medical field, someone has to be taught how to do it.
I think knowledge, skill, inborn talent, opportunity (to practice to gain experience), hard work, help (from extraneous factors), luck, financial stability, and support. These are the factors that matter for the surgical field.
Even if nepotism plays some role, if originality is missing, it will be a disaster in the long run with an initial kick-off.”
Maybe his opinion was also correct. But he did know why I shared the article with him. His thoughtful reply to negate me and not accepting things probably is a reflection of me.
I faced many ups and downs right from my MBBS time, but this period was a nightmare. After passing through such a difficult phase, I wonder how I survived when I think about it! Sometimes, I also overthink that my response to the situation was overboard.
Nevertheless, things have changed over time, and so have I. Every person’s response to a situation is different. My junior left his residence as he felt the pressure was too much but had a backup plan. He was happy with his decision and had no regrets. Some people heard him and extended their support which was missing when I needed it the most. No regrets. I will always look at this period of life as something which keeps me moving forward with hope.
“If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself.”
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