Hima Bindu: An Unconventional Journey of a Single Mother in 9 yards

Is it easy to be a single mother in India? Here is Hima Bindu’s HatkeStory on what it’s like in her own words!

At last, it’s the time !!
You might wonder why I said those words Coz it took me seven long years to accept.
It’s OK to be a single parent.
It’s OK to raise a Child without a perfect Family.
It’s OK to stand up as a Mother and say, “YES, I AM A SINGLE PARENT, and I don’t feel sorry or ashamed about it.”

Hima Bindu – Her Story

Coming up from an average middle-class conservative joint family, it was customary for a girl not to look beyond marriage as it was the ultimate goal of life created by the society I lived in. Fortunately, God seemed to have other plans for me. As I grew up, I realized this ideal image of marriage and family had many imperfections, and one had to adapt, accept and progress without much to complain as they said this is what life is all about.

But one thing I must admit, I come from a heritage of Women Supporting women. Though we were growing up with a conservative lifestyle, I was always told to dream, never to give up, to keep trying and accept failures as opportunities for a better life ahead, and above all, learn to forgive yourself and move on. These were strong virtues my Grandmother “Ammaji” would teach me as I grew up watching strong women in my house. That rubbed on to me pretty well as I grew independent.

My mom always saw her dreams through me. She was the one who put me into dancing (classical Bharatanatyam). She was my strongest pillar of support after my granny passed away. Dancing became my life, and it kept me grounded, ambitious, passionate, goal-oriented. I performed extensively across the state, even in Doordarshan, did my Arangetram, won a state-level gold medal for dance, and was featured in leading newspapers at those times. You can say my dance career was peeking high at the age of 20 – 21.

Just then, as I was making my mom proud, she decided to retire. It was time I had to choose between – Marriage, Work, or Dance. I chose to Work, as it would give me some time to be more independent and continue my dancing alongside. I got a job in A hotel as an HR trainee and moved into an IT Company as it was the next best thing to hold me on constant income to continue my dancing.

But guess what, life will always bring you back to the same point, and yes, I had to marry. I did so with a clear expectation set with the in-laws to continue my dance and work even after marriage. I struggled to keep up with dancing as work schedules were hectic, and expectations at home were increasing too. I had to stop my dancing and focus on Family and Work. 

5 yrs. into marriage with a 3 yrs. old kid, I decided to get separated and move on. As a single mother, Fear, anxiety, depression, arguments, quarrels, fights, work pressure, physical abuse, child’s needs, his fevers, colds, and court visits became my life for the next two years. Across these testing times, the only thing that kept me rooted was my job, family, and grit to adapt. A separation is certainly not easy and can create a lot of physical strain and affect one’s mental and emotional health. I appreciated this CHANGE in my life as I got my great learning during this period.

• When you come out and decide on separation, it’s not just you. It’s also your family who go through this depression and pain along with you. 
• The world runs on money, and it’s a hard truth, Financial Independence is vital. Thankfully I was earning and had a decent job that was sustaining our needs.
• Having one safe shelter and a mom who is a lawyer guiding my every step during these challenging times was a blessing. 
• Children are the ones who get affected the most, and as a mother, you must understand the child is your priority always for the next 25 yrs. 
• I realized the value of freedom when I stood in court and had a judge decide my future with my son. It is undoubtedly not something any woman and a child must face. 
• Society played a significant role in my life, how the belief systems were made. So when you decide to get married, understand that there will be issues, disagreements, and fights. But ultimately, it’s how you respond and not react. Play your Ego down and look at each other as a friend. 

Yes, this took me seven years to settle down, close my loans, build my own house, and create an ecosystem that can function seamlessly without compromising my job. It’s not easy being a single mother, but yet it’s not impossible. It was a life I chose and owned up to this. It’s no one’s fault, no one to blame. Sometimes situations keep you striving hard to bring the best version of you and help you grow stronger. 

To deal with going all single with a child, we need to be aware and remind ourselves of few essential things like : 

• Choose a job that will sustain you for the next 25 yrs. / at least till your retirement. – (take risks when young and settle as you grow up the ladder) I picked roles that always kept my learning curve strong and challenged me well enough to grow into today’s leadership position.
• Financial Stability is Key (have a house, a personal transport, plan loan closure)
• Support system around you, you will need to have a safe shelter for your child, you will need servants, cook, your mother or an elder who can listen to you, guide you and stand by you. 
• Planning & work-life balance, create a straightforward Routine and stick to that – a day-to-day plan – priorities, reprioritize, go with the flow, don’t resist. 
• You must take care of your Health 2 times more than others – be it Mental (get into Meditation, Spirituality), Physical (learn a skill like Dancing, Yoga, Gym, swimming) and Emotional (have few Good friends, mentors and of course a family around you).

My only advice to all Women is to stop thinking there are no opportunities, no help around, and Men are not dependable. All you need is a growth mindset to surge ahead. It builds resilience mentally and physically to approach any situation that comes your way positively.

During my testing times, I did a lot of research to understand how to deal with certain situations and the kinds of help I could get. I came across many women who were single mothers in many respects. Did you know we have four types of single parents in society today, namely – A Divorcee, A widow, A Wife who has her husband out of the country, and a wife who has to earn for the whole family, as the husband lost his job or is incompetent.

So, it’s estimated 4.5 % of all Indian households are run by single mothers (this translates to 13 million household mothers). And I am proud to say I am one among them today and have no regrets. 

Today, I work with various organizations and groups to drive awareness of women empowerment, the Upliftment of single Mothers, and STEM for girls initiatives. I keenly work on projects that help in Woman Advancement in Technology and Breaking the social taboo for Single mothers to be accepted openly in this society. My vision is to build an ecosystem for women to feel financially independent, physically secure and enable them to achieve their dreams without regrets. I found my purpose and peace by helping more women around me. It heals me from within.

You need to be the change you want to see!!! The world is open with limitless opportunities waiting for you, don’t feel lost, humiliated about what’s happened in your PAST. Life is now, the very minute you see. Embrace it because “It’s your reaction to the adversity, not adversity itself, that determines how your life story will develop.”

Our readers can reach Hima Bindu at himanbindu@gmail.com.

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