Rape is a vigorous crime that has been taking place in Indian society from last many centuries. Earlier, speaking about rape or any kind of sexual harassment was considered demeaning as it tarnished the individual’s reputation. With time, people and their perspectives changed, and society started supporting rape victims. Although taboos and poor mentality individuals still exist, the change is noticeable too.
However, in this case, people are gender-biased. They only support women rape victims. Males can’t even come out to speak against it as people firmly believe that ‘Men can’t be raped.’ Or they must stay silent for the sake of masculinity and their reputation even if they are being raped or sexually harassed. Is it correct to attach gender to every single thing? We must see the victim as a human being who has gone through pain, whose dignity has been harmed, who deserves justice.
Akash Kumar Goyal went through similar things, but unlike other men, he dared to come out and speak against the heinous crime. Let us hear his story.
Akash Kumar Goyal – My Story
I’m Akash Kumar Goyal. Currently, I’m working in an IT company which is based in Bangalore. Throughout my life, I have been sexually abused multiple times. The first incident happened when I was only nine years old. I belong to an Indian middle-class family, and my cousin had come to visit our place. We lived in a small house, so my parents told me to share my bed with him. Being a nine-year-old, I didn’t mind doing it, but it was the biggest mistake of my life.
Late-night when everyone fell asleep, he started touching me and getting close to me. His touch made me uncomfortable, so I refused to continue. I told him that I was not comfortable with it. Please don’t do it. He got angry, and he started scolding and hitting me. I was a kid, and I didn’t know how to fight back, so I stayed quiet. The next night, it happened again. This time, when I refused, he offered me chocolates. I had no idea what to say or react to, so I allowed him to do whatever he wanted.
Even today, I can recall the feeling of that piercing pain I had sensed that night. I wanted to cry, but he had covered my mouth and didn’t stop until he was done. After three days, I was bleeding, and due to the incident, I fell sick. I wanted to tell my parents, but he said no one would believe me because he was my brother.
It went on for a month. Every night he used to molest me, and the worst part of the incident was that I didn’t even understand what molestation meant. I was clueless even though it felt wrong and painful still. I didn’t know what to think about it.
After a month, he left our house, but he took my peace and happiness away. I stopped talking to people as I was afraid and worried all the time. I used to stay alone, behind closed doors to hide my discomfort.
It affected my mental health negatively because I began to fear strangers. If people sat beside me, I used to think about the incident and doubt them for the same reason. It became my habit to suspect or mistrust everyone. Due to these reasons, I suffered mental trauma, and I lost my ability to focus and concentrate on one thing. I spent my entire childhood in this way, staying away from people, alone in a room or common room around people if there were guests in my house.
Then time passed, and the incident faded, but the fear was always there in the back of my head. We were not in contact, but he was my elder brother, so he used to meet me at family gatherings and functions, but I ignored his presence. I couldn’t forgive him but maintaining distance was the only thing I could do at that time. Worst of all, I used to think that it was my fault. I had done something wrong, or I called for it. No victim should have this feeling. It’s terrible.
After a while, the incident knocked on my door again but with a different face. He was my father’s friend. At that time, I was 14 years old. He lived close to our house, and he was a very reputed, successful man and had a family background. I used to visit his house very frequently because my family and I used to think that he would guide me, but we were utterly wrong.
Because he used to watch porn, and he was hunting for prey. For him, I was nothing more than a scapegoat. His facade of goodness came out the day he started touching. I knew that it was a wrong touch, but I didn’t dare to speak against it. My past started playing back in my head. Then the manipulation like ‘Don’t tell anyone. People won’t believe you. Your parents won’t believe you. You are at fault.’ took place, and it did scare me. You won’t trust me, but I was raped for two years because I couldn’t say NO. I tried saying no multiple times, but each time I failed miserably.
Then he started torturing me in other ways such as hand or belt hitting, using hot wax and all. It was brutal, and my silence made it worse. Two years later, I wanted to run away from him.
So I decided to get into a college and leave the city behind. I worked hard to get admission to Rajasthan’s engineering college. Post-migration, I avoided visiting my house a lot of times. So I don’t encounter him. Honestly, the fear was always there in my heart, and I couldn’t get rid of it despite being 18 years old. Childhood trauma never left my side until I got that ‘One moment of courage.’
I remember the event clearly. I was going back to my college from my home. One man started touching my body inappropriately. I went numb as I was thinking, what is happening now? Why am I being targeted again? I stopped him, and he walked out without saying a single word. The next time, I was traveling home in a 3rd AC sleeper class. I had booked the ticket while keeping safety in my mind.
A person again tried touching me in the coach, but I grabbed his hand and twisted it behind his back. He couldn’t resist the attack and went away. It was my one moment of courage. After this incident, I learned to fight back. I learned how to say no. I can’t tell you how empowered I felt in that particular moment because I wanted to do it for the last 12 years.
This particular moment changed my life and my vision. I started defining my boundaries. Before the day, I was weak, confused, hopeless, irritated, and full of a self-guilt youngster. However, the incident made me a courageous person who knew what he wanted and how to fight for his dignity.
Although the mental trauma was still there, memories of my dark past often returned to me. At night, after work, they used to come back in the form of nightmares. To get rid of the mental trauma, I used to share these incidents with my friends. One of my college mates helped me out a lot in getting rid of the fear and insecurities. He used to listen to me very patiently, and it did wipe out my fear and pain. He suggested that I should see a therapist, and I went under therapy.
To heal my mind further, I shared the incident with my other friends. In return, I received comments like, ‘Why didn’t you stop him? Were you enjoying it? You could have stopped him, but why didn’t you? Was it your wish? It’s okay! It happens. Accept it and move on.’ I was surprised at their mentality. Had it been a girl, they would have understood the gravity of the situation, but in my case, they didn’t care. Exceptions were there, but people weren’t concerned about males and their dignity.
You would be surprised to know that there is no law to protect Male Rape Victims. You cannot put the criminal behind bars if he has raped a man. Rape laws are strictly restricted to protect women. Ironic. We can’t punish the guilty. I got to know when I decided to punish my father’s friend, but there were no laws, much to my dismay.
It happens due to a lack of awareness. Men don’t like talking about it because it is a threat to their masculinity. However, I believe that everyone deserves equal and better treatment. Respect is an individual right, and it is irrespective of their gender. Sexual assault is unacceptable for the whole society. It’s above gender stereotypes, and we must speak against them. We have a right to do it.
To spread this mentality, I started sharing my experience on social media, and that’s how I created the ‘Beyond the Visibility’ platform where people can share their experiences and come out of the closet. Currently, I’m doing workshops in which I talk about right and wrong touch. In the future, I want to register an NGO to continue the movement. Every day, I try to reach more schools and colleges and talk to them about it. We are also planning to convince schools and colleges to start this subject and talk about sexual assault and rape at least once a week or once a month.
In the end, I want to tell everyone, please don’t judge a rape by an individual’s gender. It can happen to anyone, and anyone can do it. One must see it as a horrendous crime, not from a gender perspective.
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