Learn to Walk Away from an Abusive Relationship – Kanika Joshi

Most of the time, youngsters desire a planned life exactly like Bunny in Yeh Jawani Hai Deewani said – “22 tak Padhai, 25 per Naukri, 30 pe Bache or 60 par retirement”. But sometimes, going according to plan does not bear us results as we desire, and going on an uncertain road without a planned out strategy gives us the life we wanted or better needed to live freely.

Kanika Joshi is one such person who proves that unplanned roads could take you to a better destination. Kanika had all her life figured out. At an early age, she figured out her passion was photography. So she took it up as her career and did a lot of projects in documentaries and filmmaking.

While working on these projects, she met the love of her life – a boy whom she thought would be a perfect partner for her. The duo dated for quite some time, and Kanika found him to be a sweet and decent boy. Growing up in a family of love marriages, from parents to siblings, she was happy to find someone she could call a soulmate. But everything didn’t go as she planned. The perfect life, which was soon going to be at her doorstep, faded somewhere in the background. Let’s hear from Kanika about the unexpected turn her story took.

Kanika Joshi – My Story

I’m Kanika Joshi. My story started when I was working as a photographer. I was in love with a boy at that time, and I was too young to notice that something was off about him. There were many red flags, such as invasion of privacy, controlling and manipulative mindset. But as a young mind, I thought maybe I was overthinking it. So, I ignored it for the time being.

We both decided to get married after some time, and the plus point was that our family knew each other very well. So, everything went smoothly, and finally, we got engaged. Suddenly, I started to notice many changes in my soon-to-be husband that were now hard to ignore.

The man, who once found my profession excellent, now wanted me to stay at home and take care of the family. Though he never said it aloud, his every action hinted that he desired me to be a traditional stay-at-home wife he could control. When I discussed his behavior with my friends, they advised me to call the wedding. But I was afraid of society’s stereotypical judgments and remarks, so I didn’t call it off.

I thought maybe talking on calls had made me doubt his behavior and views. He will change after marriage. If there is any problem, then we can sort it out together. So I went ahead with the marriage, but my hopes turned out to be mere assumptions.

Because as soon as the person became my husband, my whole life turned upside down. My husband never physically abused me, but he never left a chance to psychologically and mentally abuse me. I was now isolated from everything I once loved- camera, job, friends, and family. He installed cameras in each room to monitor everything I did. The phone calls to my family were also under his attendance.

He turned into a sadistic person who got pleasure from seeing me in pain and torment. According to him, there were punishments that I would get for doing something that was not appropriate. Then, he restricted my sleep hours to make me sleep-deprived.
At one point, I was so sleep-deprived that I started sleeping even if I sat for a minute. I used to doze off anytime. It happened a lot of times and sometimes when he was talking to me. Once, he took me under a shower and stood me there as a punishment for sleeping. He tried to pose me like a maniac in front of others.

Luckily, my parents felt something off when they made the phone calls. They had known me since birth, so when they heard me on those calls, they figured out something was possibly wrong. They asked me to come home or visit them sometime soon. But I postponed each time because of my husband.

One day, my mom came home to check up on me. When she saw me in that sleep-deprived condition, she told my husband about taking me to the hospital. My husband always acted saint-like in front of my family, so he quickly agreed. During the session with the psychiatrist, I was alone for the first time, without my husband.

I broke down and told the doctor about everything- from my husband’s behavior to my sleep deprivation. The doctor understood my situation and handled it very well. She asked my mother to accompany her alone inside the room. Then she explained the situation to her. Both of them hatched a plan to get me out of the house. My mother told my husband that she was taking me home to feel better. The psychiatrist also seconded the idea. It left my husband with no choice but to abide by my mother’s decision.

Once I reached home, I slept for three-four days. I was so sleep-deprived that I used to wake up only to eat my meals, then I’d sleep for the whole day. My family understood my situation and supported me emotionally. My father was devastated and angry. He went straight to my husband and his parents’ home to demand answers for his wrongdoings.

At that moment, they pointed all of it at my parents. My husband’s parents accused my parents of sending their already maniac daughter to their home. My husband then showed him all the recorded videos of dozing and falling unconsciously. Papa could not understand how a person who acted that he loved her daughter could stand there recording when I was falling.

My father warned them that they would pay for all they did. My husband’s family got tensed up because of a law background.

My dad got me home and asked me if I wanted to take any serious actions against him. But at that time, I was not in a mental space to talk about it, and I was afraid of what may happen if matters went to court.

So, in the end, I decided to divorce him and get rid of the problem once for all.

Court sent notices after notices to his house, but nobody showed up. They were afraid of us as they thought they would have to face serious jail time if they went to court. Some of my relatives got in touch with them and cleared that they would be okay, and all I wanted was a divorce.

Finally, he gave me a divorce, but I could not put everything behind me. The process of unloving a person and forgetting the trauma and fear you went through could be very hard. Thankfully, I had the best support system. My family and friends helped me every time I needed them.

I didn’t have anything planned, and I had to start from scratch. Looking back, I think that it was the best decision I took, going in the un-planned direction. I started doing the things I loved. Taking back my profession was a difficult task. I thought it would be easy to start the same job I once did before marriage. But I was wrong about it.

The job I do as a photographer, like every other job, is challenging. And once you stop working, people and clients don’t wait for you. They quickly move on to other photographers who are as talented as you. So after restarting my whole journey, I neither had the clientele nor the connections to secure any project. But I had already decided that it was something I wanted to do, and I will not look back no matter what. I gave billions of interviews to find a job for me, built a whole new clientele, and finally started making progress.

I wanted to be independent, and I could not do it until my parents’ home. So I made a decision, and I moved to Mumbai. Being in Mumbai gave me a chance to start a life with a clean slate. At that time, when I had my relatives and neighbors all over, looking at me with pity, I needed alone time desperately. In Mumbai, no one looked at me as a divorcee or someone who suffered from a bad marriage. Everyone was busy in their own lives, and I was too.

Soon, things started to change. I grabbed every opportunity that came my way. My career graph took up, I was living a life of my own, and I started to enjoy my company. There were times when I used to sit alone at Marine drive for hours, enjoying every moment of it. Those are the best memories of my life.

I came back to Delhi and took up on a lot of projects. I ventured into videography and cinematography, and I took it with every opportunity that came my way. I immersed myself in work for which I had to travel places. Travelling has been an eye-opener and inspiring to me. I became a social person with lots of friends due to traveling. I learned about different cultures and people and how colorful life is.

Travelling helped me understand that there are many people, each with their suffering and story. Every one of them is going through a lot. So no matter what life throws at me, it won’t be the end. I started to develop the qualities of having empathy and being grateful. I earn from my jobs and projects, using them to travel. I am finally great workwise as well as a person. Many women come to talk to me about divorce issues. And now, I can guide them positively and with correct knowledge.

It’s a whole different thing that I want to do. I want to counsel these people and help them recover, but I still have a long way to go. Currently, I am focusing on my work and traveling. Now, I work on many projects. Some get rejected, some get appreciation, but I gain experience either way. I have mapped many places by now, in India and abroad.

Though the past has taught me to be aware of fake people, I have not stopped believing in the idea of love. I can see myself, somewhere in the future, with a family and a husband who is equal to me. There are many things that I learned from life till now.

I am sure I will be learning plenty of them in the future. But if there’s one thing that I would want to share with others, it would be this – “Life is worth living. There is light out there after the darkness. You have to hang in there, and you surely will find your happiness. Have faith that tomorrow will be better.”

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